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Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Restroom comedy has traditionally served as the safe haven in everyday journalism, and writers stay alert to significant toilet tales and key events, particularly within football. It was quite amusing to discover that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles has a West Brom-themed urinal in his house. Spare a thought for the Barnsley fan who took the rest room rather too directly, and had to be saved from a deserted Oakwell after falling asleep on the loo at half-time during a 2015 defeat versus the Cod Army. “He had no shoes on and misplaced his cellphone and his hat,” elaborated a Barnsley fire station spokesperson. And who can forget when, at the height of his fame playing for City, the controversial forward entered a community college to access the restrooms back in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then entered and inquired the location of the toilets, afterward he visited the teachers' lounge,” a student told the Manchester Evening News. “Subsequently he wandered around the college grounds acting like the owner.”

The Restroom Quitting

Tuesday represents 25 years since Kevin Keegan stepped down from the England national team following a short conversation in a toilet cubicle with FA director David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, following that infamous 1-0 defeat by Germany in 2000 – the national team's concluding fixture at the famous old stadium. As Davies remembers in his diary, his private Football Association notes, he stepped into the wet beleaguered England dressing room immediately after the match, only to find David Beckham in tears and Tony Adams “fired up”, both of them pleading for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan walked slowly through the tunnel with a distant gaze, and Davies located him seated – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – in the dressing room corner, muttering: “I'm leaving. This isn't for me.” Stopping Keegan, Davies tried desperately to salvage the situation.

“Where could we possibly locate for a private conversation?” remembered Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The dressing room? Heaving with emotional players. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with the team manager as squad members entered the baths. Just a single choice remained. The lavatory booths. A significant event in English football's extensive history happened in the old toilets of an arena marked for removal. The approaching dismantling was nearly palpable. Pulling Kevin into a stall, I closed the door after us. We stayed there, eye to eye. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm gone. I'm not suitable. I'll announce to journalists that I'm not competent. I cannot inspire the squad. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Results

Consequently, Keegan quit, eventually revealing he viewed his stint as England manager “without spirit”. The double Ballon d'Or recipient continued: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I found myself going and training the blind team, the deaf team, working with the ladies team. It's an extremely challenging position.” English football has come a long way over the past twenty-five years. Regardless of improvement or decline, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers are no longer present, whereas a German currently occupies in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. Tuchel's team is considered among the frontrunners for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Current Reports

Tune in with Luke McLaughlin at 8pm British Summer Time for Women's major tournament coverage from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Daily Quotation

“We remained in an extended queue, clad merely in our briefs. We were Europe’s best referees, top sportspeople, examples, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with strong principles … however all remained silent. We barely looked at each other, our eyes shifted somewhat anxiously when we were requested to advance in couples. There Collina examined us thoroughly with an ice-cold gaze. Silent and observant” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes match officials were formerly exposed to by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“What’s in a name? There exists a Dr Seuss poem called ‘Too Many Daves’. Has Blackpool experienced Excessive Steves? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not exactly! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie stay to oversee the primary team. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and awarded some merch, I've chosen to type and make a pithy comment. Ange Postecoglou claims he started conflicts in the school playground with kids he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his decision to join Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I'll continue appreciating the subsequent season award yet the only follow-up season honor I predict him achieving by the Trent, if he lasts that long, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|